As an art teacher, some of my favorite students were those who insisted “I can’t draw.” In response, I asked my classes, “How many of you would be able to read if no one had taught you-- and then you hadn’t practiced and practiced and practiced? How many of you would know how to multiply and divide?” I then pointed out that it’s the same with art—and anything, really. A small minority of us are naturals, blessed with the innate ability to create a masterpiece, without an ounce of instruction. But most of us need specific instruction on how to do it… and then we need practice. Lots of practice. (And yes, some may need more practice than others… but we can still master it if we set our minds to it.) And guess what… under the right instruction and supportive nudges, those students discovered that they COULD draw! (And to see their glow of pride in what they’d created was certainly a JOY to behold.) 

So what, you might ask, does this have to do with finding joy? 

Well, finding-- and noticing joy—also takes practice. And effort. Constant effort. And it doesn’t hurt to have some instruction/guidance as well.  But we all can do it.

For me, the year Travis died, I was lost in a deep, dark hole. And I wondered if I’d ever feel true joy again.

Well, guess what—I can proudly say that I do. Often.

How?

I simply hated feeling miserable.  And I eventually decided to do something about it.

(Note that this doesn’t mean that I don’t still miss Travis. Or that I don’t still feel pangs of sorrow in his absence. Joy and sorrow do not have to be an “either – or”.  They can be a “both -- and” if you choose for them to be. You don’t have to-- or rather, you cannot-- bury your grief in order to welcome joy into your life.)

As with anything, we each need to find what works for us. But here are some of the things that have worked for me:

•       Gratitude: even the day Trav died, I had so much to be grateful for… the nurses who made him smile each day in the hospital, the crash team who gave their all to save him, friends and family and support that I didn’t even know existed… Some days, feeling grateful comes naturally and other days when I'm angry at the world, I have to force myself to consciously take the time to reflect. And it helps.

•       Giving myself a little slack. That first year, I questioned everything I’d ever believed: do our loved ones really stay with us after they die, or is that just something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better? Is there a God? I agonized over these questions and read multiple books in search of the answer until finally, I decided that since I’ll never really know until I myself die, if it makes me FEEL BETTER to believe that Trav and someone higher are looking out for me, why the heck not believe it?

•       Connect. Take the time to really listen to someone. Ask how their day was and really care what their answer is. Send someone a hand-written note. (I’m terrible at this, by the way, but I love getting them! So it’s on my list of things I've determined to be better at.)

•       Sleep. When I don’t get enough sleep for prolonged periods of time, I do definitely NOT feel joyful.  Quite the opposite. 

•       Self care. For me, these days there’s not much time for that, but when I can I squeeze in 10 minutes of yoga in the morning, read a chapter of a book before bed, get outside, listen to music, talk to a friend, ask Emie for a hug, listen to my favorite podcasts** while washing dishes, meditate for 5-10 minutes before bed, or if I’m feeling really indulgent (shh… don’t tell anyone) I watch an episode of The Bachelorette. [blush]

•       Breathe. Smell. Touch. Taste. See. And remember to look up for your path and notice what’s beautiful, or positive, or joyful around you as often as you can.

Try it out. Or try something new. And share with us what YOU do that helps you find joy in the comments below.

A few important notes…

*Let’s recognize that for some, mustering that determination to find joy is easier than others. Privilege is real. So is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If you’re starving, feeling unsafe, in pain, oppressed, or your basic needs aren’t being met, finding joy is a much bigger hurdle. If joy is currently elusive, I applaud and respect you for being here—that’s a massive feat in itself.

**Here are some of my favorite podcasts that help me grow as an ever-learning Finder of Joy:

•       The Mindful Kind
•       Unlocking Us with Brene Brown
•       Being Well
•       A Slob Comes Clean
•       The Positive Truth
•       The Daily Show Ears Edition

And some audiobooks (they’re regular books too if you prefer print)

•       Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson
•       It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too) by Nora McInerny Purmort